A Christmas Message

From Molly and Me!!!!

Dream come true.

Last night my dream came true.  Often people say that over the smallest thing, but to me this was a huge dream I'd had since a kid so to me it was the biggest thing ever.

When I was in Primary school we had a Pagan Druid come in for a visit.  He talked about his beliefs and traditions and how Stonehenge is a spiritual centre, a sort of church to the Pagans.  Having travelled to London from Taunton several times I'd seen Stonehenge from the road but never been there.  I felt a pull towards it but never once visited.  

As I grew up and things happened to me mainline religion just didn't sit with me and the more spiritual side of Paganism became more and more attractive to me.  I knew all about the Summer and Winter Solstice, I knew the summer one had become a bit, commercial.  It had become an excuse for excess and other things!  The Pagan meaning behind it lost.  No one ever talked about the Winter one, I guess it was too cold for dancing around naked and drinking!!!  For me, the pull was towards the Winter Solstice.  I didn't know why! It just did. I knew it was around the 21st December, but that was it! I didn't know how to arrange to go or what would happen there.  I just knew I had to go.

Mandy and Me outside Stonehenge

A few years ago an old school friend told me someone had posted a picture of us at school in South Wales.  I was curious so had a look.  I'd moved from South Wales in 1989 and only had contact with 3 friends from back then so I was interested in who had my picture!  It turned out to be a girl who was in my year at school called Mandy.  We'd been mates and chatted in class a few times but weren't close mates so when I moved we didn't stay in contact.  We got chatting about old times etc and then about our lives now and she told me she was a Wiccan. Now before you read that and think she's a mad woman who flies a broom and casts spells to turn people into frogs, she doesn't fly a broom.  Well not to work anyway, parking it is a nightmare!!  I'd tried to study Wiccan, tarot and mediumship but still didn't feel confident talking to others about it.  I'd told a few friends, but I was worried about what others think.  

Then last year Mandy posted pictures of herself at the Winter Solstice.  I was so jealous but couldn't see how I could ever go.  I couldn't let Steve sit in the car for hours while I was at the Stones and I knew he wouldn't want to come so it wasn't fair to ask!  So I lived my dream through Mandy.  She would go to the Solstice and I could look at her photos and hear the stories.

Just before Mandy went to the Solstice I got Molly and started walking with her.  I was determined to build my strength up.  As I did I found out I could get my driving licence back.  Suddenly things started to fall into place.  If I could get strong enough to walk to and stand by the stones and I could get my licence back I could go to the Solstice!  I didn't tell anyone, not even Steve and Teri!  Then my licence came back and I could do it! I could go to the Solstice!

I messaged Mandy and said I wanted to go with her and she helped me apply for a ticket.  It was a very long wait until I got the email from Gorsedd of Cor Gawr saying I had a ticket!  Even that was a story!!  

To be sure I got a ticket Mandy applied for an extra ticket.  So we ended up with 3 tickets for 2 people!  Mandy emailed saying she didn't need the extra ticket and offered it back.  Yesterday Mandy wasn't sure what ticket was hers and which was spare so printed off both.  As we're waiting to go in I was talking to a lovely lady about how it was my first time, she said she'd been several times but not for the last few years and how she only got a ticket at the last minute.  It turned out she had the spare ticket we'd given back!!  Out of 80 people there I ended up talking to the one person who had our spare, what were the chances!?!

As we waited to go to the Stones it started raining, really raining!  We were wrapped up but not waterproof!  Mandy ran back to the car and got my umbrella just in case!  Luckily we didn't need it until the last 5 minutes of the service.  The other 135 minutes were cold but dry!

Taken in the dark during the service!

I wish I could type all about the rite but most of it was very special to me and let's just say the spirits made it clear they were there for me!  I had a family with 2 very young children beside me.  It was lovely to see children at the rite.  I had my walking frame with me so I could sit down if I needed to.  I was ok, but the young girl wanted to sit down so I asked her if she wanted to sit on my chair.  Her dad said 'Oh no don't worry! You'll need it!' I said I was fine and lifted her onto the chair.  I know some people believe kids shouldn't go to church etc. but I believe kids should go to services and rites, how else will they ever learn about these things and then find the right path for themselves?  They'll end up like me, 40 and not sure what to do!!  On the way home I was talking to the girls mum and she apologised for the kids talking etc. I told her not to worry!! They didn't disturb anything and everyone made sure the kids were included.  To me, it made it more special.

Add to that catching up with a friend I've not seen in 26 years and it was an amazing day!  It was so much more than I expected.  For the first time, I felt I fitted and belonged.  All of the Cor Gawr members welcomed me as a new member, it was lovely.  

During the service, there's a chance for you to become a full Pagan.  A bit like First Communion or Confirmation.  Mandy stepped up and became a member.  I've decided I will next year.  I will step up and say my vow.  Part of me wishes I'd done it last night but It didn't feel right to do it so soon.  It was very special seeing Mandy do it.  I'm so glad I was there!

After the service, we went back to Mandy's to warm up!  I only planned to stay for an hour but come 10 pm we were still talking!!!!  Oops!!  I crawled in at 11 pm, still cold and very tired but so so happy.  Not only had I met up with a very old friend and a kindred spirit but as I said...

... my dream had come true!

My dream night 20th December 2015

Axe Murderer And Other Mental Health Myths!

Many times I considered changing the name of this blog to Axe Murderer And Other Mental Health Myths! The crap I read in the press about Mental Health makes me seeth at times and sadly yesterday more stories came up causing me to blow.

I could post here about how they're all wrong and have my usual rant but what's the point??!  I'm hoping that being honest about being Bipolar has opened friend's eyes so they've started to see things aren't as black and white as they seem.  For example, many friends have said they never imagined I was bipolar because I seem so calm and together!  Hey, you only see the calm and together side of me! lol!  I'm serious! I don't leave the house when I'm hyper or low.  I can lock myself away for months and no one realise.  That's not because I've got bad friends, the opposite is true! I've been very lucky to gather an amazing group of friends who I know are there for me if I ask (and often if I don't!) it just means I've learned to put on the brave face and stiff upper lip and if you see I'm struggling I'm in serious trouble.  

That's what life with poor mental health is like.  You learn to live with it and carry on.  For me, the hardest part of being Bipolar is the paranoia.  I convince myself that people think I'm faking it or I'm lying about my problems so showing I'm struggling makes things worse.  Hence how I've become good at hiding it!

So, when I read in the news that someone has committed a crime because of poor mental health I want to scream!

I know two people with Schizophrenia, one who has been very public and open about it and the other only told me because they knew I knew someone else with it and as I promised I won't reveal who they are to anyone.  In both cases and in 99.99% of other genuine cases I've read about they are no risk to anyone but themselves.  They've both talked to me about how the voices tell them to hurt themselves but never others.  The closest they've ever come to 'hurting' others is when the voices convince them that someone is trying to hurt them or is talking about them in a nasty way and they've cut friendships with that person because they can't cope with the paranoid feelings that come with the friendship.

Yesterday it was announced that Peter Sutcliff was no longer 'ill'.  He had claimed that God had spoken to him and told him to kill prostitutes.  One problem with that, not all his victims were prostitutes!  Now it seems he's been magically cured of Schizophrenia!! (Please, someone give me the number of his doctor! Wonder if he can cure Bipolar too! lol!)  BOLLOCKS!  He was just smart enough to fool people into believing he was ill so he could escape prison and have an easier sentence.

Then last night another case was in the local news and the 'alleged' murderer claims to have heard voices that told her to kill.  There's the simple fact that this isn't what happens to people with Schizophrenia, plus I know someone who was good friends with the 'alleged' and it was the first she'd heard of it!  

It's liars like that who make the rest of us with Mental Health issues look bad.  So to the point of this blog...

... Please take the time to look over the Mind site and see what are the real symptoms of mental health illnesses and next time you see a news story or hear someone claiming to be ill, go back to the site and see how the symptoms check out.  I'm not saying everyone who says they're ill is a liar!  I'm just saying if you take the time to find out what triggers them and what to look out for then maybe one day you'll be able to help someone before they ask for it.

I truly believe we all need to be more aware of poor mental health.  Too often it's swept under the carpet and hidden away because someone is scared of how friends and family would react.  I hid it from everyone, Steve and Teri included, for years because I was scared of being rejected or called a liar.  I still am now!  Every time I type something about being Bipolar I sit and look at it for ages before I post it because I'm scared of how it will be taken.  That will only change if other people's preconceptions change.  So please take the step towards change and check out the site.

Thank you.

PS and as for the 'alleged', justice will be done and Karma will win out.  It has to!

Happy Birthday Molly!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOLLY!!

Molly is 6 today!  I can't believe it's been a year since we celebrated her first birthday with us.  She's changed my life and brought so much joy into it.  I look back at the person I was last year and I'm a different person.  For the last 3.5 weeks, I've had a severe sinus infection.  Last year it would have knocked me out mentally and physically, but this time I've had Molly to keep me company when I'm really bad and she's dragged me out when I've struggled to leave the house.  I don't know what I'd do without her!

It's also thanks to her I'm doing something I've always wanted to do.  I'm going to the Winter Solstice at Stonehenge!  I've wanted to go since I was a kid but something always stood in my way.  Molly has given me the confidence to stand up and do what I want.  So all the barriers have gone.

So here's to a great birthday and many many more together xx

#AdoptNotShop

Molly, the best dog in the world!

Very Sad Day

Words can't begin to describe the feelings around the world today.  What has happened in Paris is horrific.  My heart goes out to all those involved.

Sadly there has also been posts saying that we should ban all religions!  If only it was that simple!  This was not done in the name of any religion, it was done by cowards who claim to have done it in the name of religion.  Nowhere in the Bible or the Koran does it say it's ok to kill innocents.  In fact, the Koran doesn't condone any violence, the Bible has 'eye for an eye' but Islam preaches forgiveness, not revenge.

I'm not religious!  I'm a Pagan.  I believe there are many Gods or High Spirits and not one over all God.  Something the Christians of yesteryear had an issue with and tried to convert all Pagans to Christianity.  Something they didn't have the right to do.  They didn't have the 'right religion' any more than the terrorist today do!  

Being 'on the outside' has given me a chance to look over other religions more objectively.  I've always been interested in what makes a religion or what different ones believe.  I'm not an expert by any means, but I do know the basics and when someone post an article saying 'BAN ALL RELIGIONS' I know enough to know it's crap!

Yeah you could ban every religion in the world, (well, I say 'could' but it would be one hell of a job to do!!) but people would STILL find something to fight over or argue about!  Sadly it seems to be part of human life to disagree and misinterpret things.

Surely it would make more sense to try and understand each other's beliefs and work together to stop this sort of thing happening again?  Who cares what your neighbour believes, as long as he's not causing you any harm let him get on with it!

I'd like to think that the tragic events of last night will bring us all together against these murderers, but I think it will only cause more misconception and misunderstanding which in turn will cause more violence and deaths.

All I can hope is that for today at least we can all come together and remember those that have been killed, injured or have lost loved ones and leave the fighting for another day.

#PrayingForParis

Update, of sorts!!

I've not posted for a while.  Several reasons.  Been really busy, been on holiday and had too many things going around my head so I didn't know what to post!  I know hardly anyone reads this (if anyone does!! lol!) But I enjoy posting and looking back over my post.  It's helped me to sort thought, explain who I am and to help me to feel accepted in the world.  So I'm going to keep posting! lol!

Molly is well.  She's curled up on my lap snoozing after messing about trying to eat my foot!!!  She does that every so often, she'll pretend she's big and scary and bark at me then I ignore her and she growls and pretends to bite my foot.  Anyone watching through the window would think that she's a vicious dog attacking me!  She's not, she's a nutty pup who loves play fighting.  She's boisterous but if she really hurt anyone she'd be so upset!  I find it fun too.  We mess about and play fight then she falls asleep and I can to some work.  It's our routine I guess!  Strange but that's us!

View from Caravan!

We had an amazing holiday at Devon Cliffs.  The view was amazing as usual. That's the good thing about holidays on a cliff, wherever you are you look out to sea!  I spent hours watching fishing boats.  It was so relaxing and just what we all needed.

Molly on the beach

Molly loved the beach!!  She wasn't so keen on the waves! They didn't taste nice and they kept sneaking up on her so she tried to bark at them!  Hey, I never said she was sensible!  

It's one of the big advantages of going in October.  Dogs are allowed on the beach.  It was a very big, steep slope down to the beach, but I made it down there.  We had a lovely walk along the beach.  It was the end of October, but we were baking!  We were very lucky with the weather too.  It rained on the Friday night and Saturday but Sunday and Monday was really hot.  Mind you the rain didn't put us off.  We went for a walk between showers!

Finally, a decent shot of Steve!

Teri took some amazing pictures.  She really enjoyed wandering off with her camera and catching random shots.  She even managed to get a nice one of Steve!!! That's very hard to do!!

She got right up on the cliff and took shots of the Jurasic Coast line.  It's amazing to see and to be honest the only way you'd see it is by climbing to the top like she did or by boat.  There's no way down to sea on this side of the cliff.  What you can't see on this picture is the clay is so red the colour 'bleeds' into the sea and the whole coastline water is as red as the cliff.  It's beautiful to see.

My favourite shot was taken by chance!  Steve and I had popped out in the car on the last night there so Teri took Molly for a walk and took her camera for some final shots.  She managed to get the most amazing shot of the sea, sky and moon.  The blue of the sky could only of lasted a few minutes.  If she'd gone out any earlier or later she'd of missed it.  

The last night.

The blue looks like it could of been painted by angels.  The moon gently dabbed in by faries.  The land shaded by pixies.   If you can't tell I love it!  I'm going to get it printed on a canvas so I can put it on the wall.  Some times I look at a picture and feel it's special and this one is very special.

It was lovely to be home in our own beds but I loved being by the sea with amazing views to walk in.  If I won the lottery I'd buy a caravan down there and never leave!  It was a badly needed holiday for us all.  Hopefully next year it's the Isle of Man then the year after we'll go back to Devon Cliffs.  It's become a home away from home!

And it's back to the real world with a bang.  Lots of work to do, studying to do (btw got my exam result and I passed!!) and lots of driving Teri to and from college and work!  All her hard work has paid off and she's got a Christmas Temp job at Argos!  Here's hoping it helps her to find something permenant!

Well that's us.  Time to get sorted and prepare for THAT event at the end of December! x

Mad Week!

My chance for a lie in and I wake up at 6.30am!!  Well, it's an extra half hour I guess!!

It's been a manic week!  Donations to the Swindon Foodbank have been through the roof!  My last count was 6 tons, but that was before Friday's lot arrived!  It's lovely to see so many donations at a time when people are struggling.  It shows community spirit is still alive.

I had the pleasure of going to Red Oaks Primary in Swindon yesterday.  It's an amazing school.  At their assembly, they had a teacher doing sign language and every time someone went to the front to speak they had to wear a microphone for those wearing hearing aids.  They also had a severely disabled child whose class was organising a fundraiser for!  

Sadly as a dyslexic I've seen many schools that exclude children for the most simple disability.  Red Oaks couldn't be further from that.  Every child was made to feel welcome and included.  It was lovely to see and the children and teachers all seemed very happy and welcoming.

The head asked us if the children could help us pack up at the end.  Of course, we said yes!  The kids were amazing! They're part of the schools 'Charity Club'.  They'd set up the tables and food for the assembly and at the end they took all the food and packed it into the crates, then they carried it out to the van.  It was their break time, but that didn't bother them, they wanted to help us.  

They also asked me questions about the food they'd given, was it ok they gave pasta sauce, would the items be of use, what could they do for us in the future.  It was truly wonderful to hear them so interested.  It made it clear this was something they felt passionately about and they weren't going it because the teachers told them to.

One thing I learned from Amy's talk at Red Oaks was that last year Swindon Foodbank fed 6,000 people.  That doesn't sound like much until you realise there's only 185,609 in Swindon.  That means that 1 in 30 residents had been in need in the last year.  In Red Oaks there are 550 students, so in that school alone 18 children could have used the Foodbank.  Look at it like that and the numbers are scary.

Speaking of numbers you think that 6 tons is a lot of food.  That is only enough for 3000 families.  So half of what's needed.  Take away from that any food that's out of date, opened, damaged or not on the list of food given away and it drops even more.  Now you see why donations are so important and why the work done by Andrew, Amy and the volunteers at Swindon Foodbank is so important.

On a lighter note, I'm going to see an old mate today.  Time for a chat and a catch-up!  Might go to the pub we used to go to in college a very long time ago! (No I'm not saying how may years! It's too many to think of!)

I'll leave you with the line Amy used at the end of the assembly.  I think it's perfect and something we should all do;

'When you sit down for dinner tonight, think of those less fortunate who could be going without'

One Year On .....

This time last year I was in a dark place.  I was depressed, lonely, felt like I wasn't going any where and I'd never be happy.

The 18th October 2014 came round and my life changed totally.

Because of what happened on 18th October I am now walking 2km per day.  

Because of what happened on 18th October I am now walking with walking sticks and not a frame.

Because of what happened on 18th October I am now driving.

Because of what happened on 18th October I am now happy, safe and no longer feel alone.

So what happened?  In one word.....

MOLLY!

Who'd of guessed the one thing I needed in my life was a mad mixed terrier!?!  Since she came to live with us I have some one there 24/7 who will love me, cuddle me and make me feel needed.  She nags me to take her for a walk every day so I go out and my strength is getting better every day.  If you'd of told me this time last year that I'd enjoy walking and I'd be getting good at it I'd of laughed at you! But I am! I love getting out and going for a walk, come rain or shine, it's just nice to be outside away from everything for a while so I can clear my head.

I've still got some way to go but I'm hoping that the strength I've built up now I can keep going through out the winter and the bad weather.

I know Molly won't realise what day it is on 18th but I will.  It will be the day my life turned around and I could start to see a better life ahead.

And I owe all that to Molly.

and it's a good night from Molly xxxxxx 

 

Negative Nellies!

Living with poor mental health I always try to look for the positive in life.  Recently I've been removing those that are constantly negative from my life.  It may sound harsh but have a look around you.  Who are the people you'd rather hang around with??!

I'm not talking about those who have a bad day or are going through a rough time.  We all have times like that and being happy and positive is hard.  I'm talking about those who constantly look for the negative in life just so they can moan.  

Why have I done this?  Because to be happy you have to look for it! If happiness and success were easy everyone would be millionaires in their dream jobs!  Life isn't easy, but you don't need to moan about everything.  For example, if it rains when I'm out with Molly I try to look at it that its cooler than usual making it easier to walk rather than moaning I'm getting wet!

One person I've removed from my life would sit and moan about EVERYTHING and if you tried to point out a positive side he'd complain saying you were sticking your nose in!  That then led to me being miserable and quite often angry which did my mental health no good.  So I parted friendships with him.

This morning BBC News they were talking about Happiness courses the Dalai Lama has helped set up.  They teach you Mindfulness and how to be more positive and happy.  They then cut to Dismal Land in Weston Super Mare to a lady who said;

'You can't learn people to be happy, they either are or they ain't'

Oh, where to start!  Maybe with the fact that she looked like she'd swallowed a wasp, or that she looked like she'd never smiled in her life?!

Babies smile and laugh.  Do they do it because they learned or because they're born that way? Does her statement mean that some babies are born unhappy and therefore never laugh or smile?  I've never met a baby that didn't laugh and smile, but that doesn't mean there aren't any out there, but I like to believe that everyone is born with the ability to enjoy life and be happy.  Therefore, we must learn to be miserable and negative too.

Now I'm not talking about the friends you have that some days you have a good moan with.  I've got a few like that and after our moan session we both feel better!  Every one needs to moan some times.  I'm talking about the ones that moan at you all the time and when you leave you feel low and drained.  I was once told these people are Emotion Vampires.  It's a good way of looking at it.  They do drain you and leave you feeling miserable.  Almost as if all the joy has been sucked out of you.

As I said I know people go through tough times.  Sadly I've lost a lot of family and friends the last 4 years, some through long illness, others suddenly.  I choose to look at the positive in it all because if I didn't I'd be sat around crying all the time and one thing I've learned through all those deaths is life is far too short so live for every minute of it.

Being Bipolar and having PTSD and Depression I'm very aware of my mood and how others can change it, which has meant I've learned to notice negative people much quicker than before!  It's become second nature to me.  Sit down and think about the people you know (not just friends.  Acquaintances, co-workers, even people you meet in the street!) Have a think about them, do they seem postitive or negative?  How is your mood after you've met them? How do you feel after they've left?  If the answers are negative or low then maybe it's time to find a way to leave them behind?  It may sound harsh but there are times when you have to think about your own mental health and not others feelings.

I know if you work with some one like this you can't escape them.  You can avoid spending any extra time with them and not talk about personal stuff.  I have someone like that I volunteer with.  She moans about everything and by the time I've left every one feels angry and drained.  I've now started changing the subject to a more positive one that everyone can join in with rather than her sat there moaning dragging every one down!

So that's my challenge to every one I know!  Look for the Negative Nellies in your life and give them the boot!!

And on that note I'm off to volunteer with my NN!  Time for tact and subject changes to begin!! 

What difference

July 2015

While out I realised how far I've come with my walking, I don't mean how far I've walked! I mean how much stronger I am now.

The picture on the right is a screen shot from my phone.  It says I walked 1.58 miles (2.5km) in 54 minutes.  What it doesn't say is I sat down at least 4 times during that because I needed a rest! In fact I used to have to stop as soon as I got to the field as I was in pain.

Today (Sept 2015)

Now look at the picture on the right.  I've walked 2.8km without stopping once.  I took it slow today, usually I can walk that route in 40 minutes but I felt like being lazy today and just wandering along!

The hedge I used to sit by!

It was only as I was up there and I'd walked 2 3rds of the way round I realised I don't have to stop any more.  I had set places I'd stop along the route.  Molly started to learn where they were and she'd potter about while I had a rest.  Now I can carry on and walk the whole route and then some!  Yeah I still need my walking frame but I can walk it!  I'll settle for that! lol!

'MUMMMMM Hurry up!'

For years i just accepted I couldn't walk far and worked round it.  Now I know all I needed to do was push myself a little harder and I can do it.  I've learnt where all the quiet spaces are, where I can go to get away from the town without having to drive out of it and more importantly I feel a lot better for it.  Not just physically, mentally too.  It's reached the point where this hermit doesn't want to be stuck at home!  Come rain or shine Molly drags me out and I love it!  I love walking in the rain and coming home soaked, I love walking in the wind hearing it whistle through the trees as I fight to stand up, I love walking in the sunshine getting a tan and it bleaching my hair!  

It's natural! HONEST!!

Some one asked me yesterday why I'd stopped bleaching my hair.  They were stunned to hear I hadn't bleached it since I was 23!  In fact 4 months ago I used a colour removal kit and stripped the brown off my hair, leaving it natural.  Walking in the sun every afternoon has bleached it without any help.

Most of all I love the freedom it's given me.  Yesterday I walked to the bus stop and got the bus to New College, I then got the bus back to Rodbourne Cheney and walked the 2km home.  Why? Because I could!! lol!  Then once I got home I took Molly out for a 2km walk in the rain!!

I've found an App called My Fitness Pal.  It's helping me to loose weight (lost 2kg so far!) It's full of people like me who are desperate to loose weight but find it difficult.  Together we support each other and point out where we could make changes which would help us loose more weight.  By tracking what I eat I've seen where I've gone wrong, carbs! I'm addicted to them and they're really bad for me!  For years I was told to avoid fat and eat carbs as they're better for me. No they're not! If you're like me and diabetic carbs are the worse thing in the world you can eat.  So I've had to change what I eat and cut as many carbs out of my diet.  It's really helped my blood tests.  The levels have dropped so low I came close to a hypo for the first time in years on Monday!  

I've still got a long way to go but mentally and physically I feel so much better and I can see a light at the end of the tunnel instead of a man with a torch and a sign saying 'The light is off due to maintenance!' 

So here's to more walking and more improvement!

What can I do......?

This week has been a tough one.  There have been two anniversaries that remind us all how precious life is.  9/11 and the Manchester Dogs Home fire plus Foodbank was difficult.

9/11 is a day I will never forget.  I had holiday I had to use up at work so I'd booked the day off but left Teri in nursery so I could get some housework done in peace.  I'd just sat down for lunch (cheese sandwich! See I remember every detail!) I put the tv on to watch Neighbours only to see the news was still on.  It took me a while to realise what I was seeing.  I could see one of the Twin Towers on fire.  They were talking about how a plane had hit the tower.  At that point there was nothing to say it was anything other than a very sad accident.  I sat staring at the scene unable to take it all in.  They were talking about how long the hoses would be on the fire engines and what the chances are of people surviving if they were above the fire.  All I could think was ' you idiots, there's no way they can put that fire out!  The fuel will mean it burns too hot for water and foam hoses won't reach that far'.  

The next thing I know live on screen a plane apears in the back ground.  It was as if the whole thing was in slow motion.  As I type this I can see it in my mind.  14 years on and it's as fresh as the day.  The plane seemed to turn and I remember the news presenter said 'Why haven't they shut air space down?'  An expert (how you can be an expert of somthing that had never happened before I don't know!) said they'd probably grounded flights nearby but a few planes maybe still in the air and being diverted.  He was wrong.  The plane wasn't being diverted.  It had been hijacked and it hit the second tower with such force it seemed to explode out the other side of the tower.

At this point it was clear it was no accident.  One plane, yes. Two? No chance. This was terrorist.

I didn't know what to do.  I wanted to talk to someone so I called my friend at work.  She said she'd heard about the first plane from a collegue who had just come into the office.  He'd heard about it on the radio.  When I explained a second plane had hit she told the rest of the office and they decided to go to the electrical shop next door as they had TV's on all the time.

Just as she hung up the first tower came crashing down.  It was like a bad horror movie.  There were reports of other planes going missing, all countries shut their air space down, guesses of how many had been in the tower.  All I could think was, what time did the first plane hit?  What time did the second one hit? How long in between? Because that's how long we've got until the second tower goes.  Sadly I was right.  I sat there counting the minutes down and on cue the tower fell. 

Why am I typing all this? Because it was the point the world changed.  It showed that no one was safe from the terrorist.  They could hit any where any time.  I'd grown up with the IRA bombing London but this was bigger than them.  So many innocent people were killed in one moment.  The Governments decided we had to go to war to 'stop' them.  It was a revenge mission that saw the Stock Market nose dive, trust in governments fall and general chaos to start.  By going into Iraq for the second time (to be honest if Bush snr had done the job properly the first time we wouldn't of had half of this!) causing instability in the Middle East which in turn has caused the Syrian crisis we've got now.  It's something we should never forget.  I won't ever forget those events.

The second anniversary this week was the Manchester Dogs Home Fire.  (click here for pictures) 150 dogs were killed and several others badly injured because of the actions of 2 young boys.  Sadly they were never formally charged with the murders.  Personally I think they should of been strung up.  What the hell they thought they were doing, their age is no excuse either!  They knew what they were doing and I wouldn't be suprised if they did it again.

As my friends all know I'm a big animal lover and I firmly believe those boys should of been charged with murder.  Just because they're dogs doesn't mean they felt less pain, nor did they suffer any less than we would.  The fact that these boys are out there with new identities makes me sick with anger.

Add to that the number of people who came into the Foodbank because they'd had to choose, school uniform or food? You can see why it's been a tough week!  

I've been lucky this year, Teri has left school so I don't have to buy her uniform.  I get why schools have uniform and I agree with it.  What I don't agree with is schools insisting that you buy their stuff with logos etc on and then they charge you a fortune!  Supermarkets do cheap jumpers and shirts but as most schools insist you have their items you can't buy the £2 jumper, you have to buy the £25 one that last half the time the £2 would!

Surely when it gets to the point that some one is going without food just so they can buy their kids uniform we need to say that's enough, STOP.  I wish I could say that it was only in my distribution I'd heard this sad story.  I spoke to two other distributions and they'd had several people in saying the same thing.  It's wrong!

I'm sorry this has become a bit of a rant, but it needs to be said.  Yes there are big things wrong in the world we can't change but there are small things we can.  What would the schools do if every one turned up in a cheap jumper? Suspend they whole school? Or would they back down and let your kids wear it?  Why don't you talk to other parents and see?  We all sit there and say 'I can't change.....' How do you know you can't if you don't try??!

Have a look round and see whats wrong in your life/area and work out how you can change it rather than sit and moan about it.  

Long weekend!

Molly and Daisy running around the garden!

Yesterday we went to my Grandparents.  It was a difficult day.  My Grandfather has dementia and is getting worse fast.  Molly loved it! She got to run around their garden with their dog Daisy.  She had a great time running about and getting up to mischief! By the time we went home Molly was shattered but as usually she wouldn't admit it, she laid down all the way home but wouldn't sleep!  Once she got home it was another matter.  She curled up on my lap and slept sound!

It was lovely to see my Grandma again.  Steve and Teri cut her hedge as it's too much for her to do (It's huge and took hours to cut!) It means she can carry on doing the rest of the garden and keep it neat and tidy.

I'm going to try something new this week!  I have noticed the more I use my walking frame rather than my stick the better my left hip is.  On top of the spinal injury, I've got mild arthritis in my hips, plus I've got Hypermobility (Double jointed!) so the movement in my hips isn't great but since I've been walking with my frame more than my stick it's got better.  I was looking online when I saw a bit on Nordic Walking.  It says you use poles that are similar to ski poles and they take the pressure off you hips and knees and get your upper body working more.  This is kind of what's happened with me and the frame.  The frame is helping my upper body to hold myself up and taking the strain off my hip which means it's getting a chance to heal and strengthen.   Now I want to get away from using my frame so much.  I'd like to get to a point where I never have to use anything and I just get up and walk wherever I want.  So I've got some walking poles and I'm going to start doing short walks with them.  I might even go out twice in a day, once around the park on the poles then with the frame and Molly around the fields.  I'm going to see how I go!

Wish me luck!! x

Rosie and Molly!

Just before Molly came to live with us my friend lost her Lab to old age.  Merlin was the best dog in the world (well, second to Molly!!) He was soft (fur and head!) and he was so funny.  When he went it was devastating for them, even though they knew it was coming.  It was upsetting for every one who knew him.  He was a well known sight in the area, always out walking with his dad.  

6 months later they decided they were ready to get another dog.  I home check for Holly Hedge Animal Sanctuary in South Bristol so I told her to check out their website.  My friend saw a gorgeous dog called Rosie.  She was originally a street dog in Crete but had been rescued by two Brits living there.  When they're jobs meant they had to move on they couldn't face leaving Rosie there so sent her to the UK for a friend to rehome.  My friend saw all this as a sign!  They had honeymooned in Crete many many (many!) years before, so this had to be a sign she was the dog for them.

Luckily Holly Hedge agreed and within a week she was home with them and their Spaniel, Willow.

Rosie is a big dog.  We've narrowed her breed down to Lurcher, Alsation and Labrador!  She's so sweet and playful.  She loved getting to her new home and playing with all the toys and she loved her new sister Willow but she was nervous around other dogs.  

Molly was fine with Willow, unless a tennis ball was around then she'd get mouthy! But she was a bit nervous around big dogs and they don't come much bigger than Rosie! lol!  So the first time they met Rosie was ok and wanted to play but you could tell they were both a little unsure of each other.  They got on but they weren't best mates.

I was talking to Rosie's mum and she said she wanted to join me walking.  So we arranged to meet up twice a week for a long walk.  I was over the moon to have some company but a little worried about how Molly would behave with Rosie.

I didn't need to worry!  It's now 3 weeks on and Rosie and Molly are best mates!!  Twice a week we meet up and go walking.  Rosie is more than happy for Molly to lead and Molly being a bossy terrier is happy with that!  I was so happy they were getting on.  It means if there's ever an emergency I can have Rosie and Willow or she can have Molly.

This week I saw each dog had got more than friendship out of the walks.  Until this week if Rosie saw another dog she'd hide behind her mum's legs.  If they came near her she'd get in a state.  She was really nervous.  This week she went up to another dog and said hello!!!  She'd come out of her shell and had over come her fears.

I noticed Molly had changed too.  She didn't hide behind me when a big dog came near.  She was much braver and even played with a big lab! Something she'd never done before!

As Molly's 1st 'Gotcha day' comes up I see a different dog from the one we took on who had been found lying by her dead owner.  She's braver, more outgoing, even funnier!  She now has silly little games we play at home!  Plus she knows when I'm not good and cuddles me or when I'm struggling and she pushes me just enough to get me going.  Both dogs are perfect examples of why you should always #AdoptNotShop.

When I got Molly it was because I felt lonely and trapped at home.  I never imagined all she'd do for me.  Now she's got something back from our walks, confidence.  Plus she's given Rosie confidence to be the dog we all know she can be.

Now every time we go for a walk Molly looks for her mate Rosie, and twice a week Molly and Rosie get hyper and nag to go out because they know it's long walk together day! Lol!

Please, if you or any one you know is ever looking for a dog check out your local sanctuary.  There's so many dogs and puppies out there that need homes, you don't need to buy a puppy to get a good dog.  A rescue will love you forever because you saved it.

#AdoptNotShop 

Why you should rescue a dog and not risk buying from a puppy farm. #AdoptNotShop

Last year my friend rescued a Staffie Husky cross called Teddy.  It was my friends first dog but being an animal lover she was all for rescuing rather than buying a puppy.  

Having been a dog owner my whole adult life and living with dogs most of my childhood I've had many dogs.  All but one were rescued I know what good it can do to rescue.  In fact the one dog I got as a puppy turned out to be a nightmare.  I knew about puppy farms and steered clear but I walked right into one not even knowing it!   I went to a house in the middle of a big town to see this puppy.  I was told it was a sad case, the mother had been run over when the pups were 4 weeks old so they'd raised them from there.  Everything was ok until 6 months.  The dog bit someone.  Having been bit myself I have a no tolerance rule so I took the dog to the vet.  The vet said that as he was young he might be trainable, she turned her back on him to get some leaflets and he bit her ankle.  That again would of been ok but he sat there wagging his tail showing no remorse whatsoever.  That sealed his fate.  The vet said he had clearly been taken away from mum well before the claimed 4 weeks and he hadn't learned how to behave.  Basically he had no remorse and was untrainable.  

I volunteer for a sanctuary as a home checker and for a group of 'Pound Saver' sanctuaries helping them to advertise dogs.  For those that don't know a 'Pound Saver' sanctuary is one that takes dogs from pounds because if a dog is in a pound for a certain length of time without being rehomed it's put down (different ones have different time limits). So I see so many sad stories every week but none are as sad as Teddy.

This picture was taken of Teddy in the kennels.  As you can see he's scared witless.  He's showing signs of aggression because he's so scared.  This sadly meant he was overlooked by every one.  Why go for the adult, scared, aggressive dog when there's cute puppies to love?

Luckily for Teddy Mandy and Hywell saw the dog behind the growls and were prepared to give him the chance many other people wouldn't. 

As you can see from this picture taken hours after he was taken home Teddy was so so grateful to be out of the kennel!  The second he was out of there all the fear and aggression went and the kind, gentle, daft dog came out (Sorry Ted but you are just a bit daft!!)

Ted has now been with them of over a year and every picture I see of him he's got a big grin on his face!  He loves being with his new family and hasn't shown any aggression at all.  Not even when they had electricians in the house and he was scared of them.  He just stayed with his mum.  So all those that walked past him thinking he wasn't for them.  You've missed out on an amazingly loyal dog.

Below is a video of photos of Ted taken over the year.  Mandy is hoping to share this to promote animal adoption.  Not just for dogs but for all animals.  For example, did you know Pets At Home have an adoption centre as well as pets for sale?  Next time you're looking for a pet of any kind ask about.  You'd be surprised how many adoption places there are.

So please share this video.  For me it's the ultimate example of why you should #AdoptNotShop 

Pride

It's been a busy week here.  Lots of fun, but a little mad! lol!

Saturday I went to Swindon and Wiltshire Gay Pride.  It's the first time I've been.  I had a great time, the music and company were brilliant but the main thing that made it so good was I didn't feel excluded.  

Sadly a lot of places still aren't disabled friendly.  I find I can't get to certain places or I'm in other people's way or they just glare at me for asking them to let me through.  There was none of that.  I could access all of it, if I had to ask people to move they did without any problem.  In fact a lot of them went out of their way to help me.  It was lovely to feel welcome and included.  I guess that's what the day was about!

I've got gay friends and a pan sexual friend and I know how hard life has been for them.  I've never understood why gay people have to say they're gay!  I mean I don't have to say I'm straight!  Saturday gave me a little hope that in the future people won't go through that.  As for those who still have an issue with it I have a simple question. What the hell does it have to do with you??!!  If someone is happy and safe and not doing you any harm it's none of your business!  For years I denied I was a Pagan because I was scared of ridicule.  All it did was leave me miserable.  No one has the right to make me feel like that.  What I feel and think it my business.  Jeez it's hard enough being disabled without adding other reasons! lol!

So here's to an Inclusive Pride where every one is accepted for who they are and not what others tell them to be.

RACE FOR LIFE 2016!!!

That's it! I've paid and registered for Race For Life 5k in Swindon 22nd May 2016!

Above is a button to take you to my just giving page.  Please please please sponsor me.

I'm doing it in memory of all friends and family we've lost to cancer but especially for Jimmy Kelly who sadly lost his fight with Pancreatic Cancer in March 2014.  He was so brave.  He must of been in so much pain but he never complained.  If he could go through all that and not moan, I can walk 5k.

So now it's back to practising!

Friends

In the past I've had some very unreliable friends.  I've been messed about and when I needed help they've run off saying they've got their own issues even though I was there for them!  The last 6 months or so have shown me I now have a brilliant set of friends who are there for me even when I don't realise it.

That might sound like and odd thing to say, I mean how can some one be there for you and you not know it?  Put it this way, each day I was posting on Facebook and Instagram how far I was walking and friends where liking it but I wasn't sure if they were just being polite.  Then I went to Cardiff with some of them and they told me they'd bee tracking me as I walked and how proud of me they were!  So my fears I was boring them were wrong.  They liked seeing how I was doing and wanted to support me through it.

It can also work the other way though.  I have a friend who I know is going through a tough time right now but she never mentions it.  You have to read between the lines of her post to see what's going on.  I know from my own life there are times when things get very hard and you don't want to bother others with it.  Well speaking as a friend I want to be bothered!!!  If some one takes the time and care to support me I want to be able to help them when they need it.  A friend in need is NEVER a bother to a true friend.  Support goes two ways.

I see my daughter and her close friend and I see that they have that type of friendship.  Sadly she had some who claimed to be friends then when things got tough  off they went (There was a lot more to it than that, like one who was a two faced liar and I stupidly fell for her lies too) I'm glad she has true friends to fall back on and they know she's there for them and I am too.

So next time you suspect your friend is having problems or they go quiet for a while make sure they're ok and offer them support because one day you could be the friend in need.