A Christmas Message

From Molly and Me!!!!

Dream come true.

Last night my dream came true.  Often people say that over the smallest thing, but to me this was a huge dream I'd had since a kid so to me it was the biggest thing ever.

When I was in Primary school we had a Pagan Druid come in for a visit.  He talked about his beliefs and traditions and how Stonehenge is a spiritual centre, a sort of church to the Pagans.  Having travelled to London from Taunton several times I'd seen Stonehenge from the road but never been there.  I felt a pull towards it but never once visited.  

As I grew up and things happened to me mainline religion just didn't sit with me and the more spiritual side of Paganism became more and more attractive to me.  I knew all about the Summer and Winter Solstice, I knew the summer one had become a bit, commercial.  It had become an excuse for excess and other things!  The Pagan meaning behind it lost.  No one ever talked about the Winter one, I guess it was too cold for dancing around naked and drinking!!!  For me, the pull was towards the Winter Solstice.  I didn't know why! It just did. I knew it was around the 21st December, but that was it! I didn't know how to arrange to go or what would happen there.  I just knew I had to go.

Mandy and Me outside Stonehenge

A few years ago an old school friend told me someone had posted a picture of us at school in South Wales.  I was curious so had a look.  I'd moved from South Wales in 1989 and only had contact with 3 friends from back then so I was interested in who had my picture!  It turned out to be a girl who was in my year at school called Mandy.  We'd been mates and chatted in class a few times but weren't close mates so when I moved we didn't stay in contact.  We got chatting about old times etc and then about our lives now and she told me she was a Wiccan. Now before you read that and think she's a mad woman who flies a broom and casts spells to turn people into frogs, she doesn't fly a broom.  Well not to work anyway, parking it is a nightmare!!  I'd tried to study Wiccan, tarot and mediumship but still didn't feel confident talking to others about it.  I'd told a few friends, but I was worried about what others think.  

Then last year Mandy posted pictures of herself at the Winter Solstice.  I was so jealous but couldn't see how I could ever go.  I couldn't let Steve sit in the car for hours while I was at the Stones and I knew he wouldn't want to come so it wasn't fair to ask!  So I lived my dream through Mandy.  She would go to the Solstice and I could look at her photos and hear the stories.

Just before Mandy went to the Solstice I got Molly and started walking with her.  I was determined to build my strength up.  As I did I found out I could get my driving licence back.  Suddenly things started to fall into place.  If I could get strong enough to walk to and stand by the stones and I could get my licence back I could go to the Solstice!  I didn't tell anyone, not even Steve and Teri!  Then my licence came back and I could do it! I could go to the Solstice!

I messaged Mandy and said I wanted to go with her and she helped me apply for a ticket.  It was a very long wait until I got the email from Gorsedd of Cor Gawr saying I had a ticket!  Even that was a story!!  

To be sure I got a ticket Mandy applied for an extra ticket.  So we ended up with 3 tickets for 2 people!  Mandy emailed saying she didn't need the extra ticket and offered it back.  Yesterday Mandy wasn't sure what ticket was hers and which was spare so printed off both.  As we're waiting to go in I was talking to a lovely lady about how it was my first time, she said she'd been several times but not for the last few years and how she only got a ticket at the last minute.  It turned out she had the spare ticket we'd given back!!  Out of 80 people there I ended up talking to the one person who had our spare, what were the chances!?!

As we waited to go to the Stones it started raining, really raining!  We were wrapped up but not waterproof!  Mandy ran back to the car and got my umbrella just in case!  Luckily we didn't need it until the last 5 minutes of the service.  The other 135 minutes were cold but dry!

Taken in the dark during the service!

I wish I could type all about the rite but most of it was very special to me and let's just say the spirits made it clear they were there for me!  I had a family with 2 very young children beside me.  It was lovely to see children at the rite.  I had my walking frame with me so I could sit down if I needed to.  I was ok, but the young girl wanted to sit down so I asked her if she wanted to sit on my chair.  Her dad said 'Oh no don't worry! You'll need it!' I said I was fine and lifted her onto the chair.  I know some people believe kids shouldn't go to church etc. but I believe kids should go to services and rites, how else will they ever learn about these things and then find the right path for themselves?  They'll end up like me, 40 and not sure what to do!!  On the way home I was talking to the girls mum and she apologised for the kids talking etc. I told her not to worry!! They didn't disturb anything and everyone made sure the kids were included.  To me, it made it more special.

Add to that catching up with a friend I've not seen in 26 years and it was an amazing day!  It was so much more than I expected.  For the first time, I felt I fitted and belonged.  All of the Cor Gawr members welcomed me as a new member, it was lovely.  

During the service, there's a chance for you to become a full Pagan.  A bit like First Communion or Confirmation.  Mandy stepped up and became a member.  I've decided I will next year.  I will step up and say my vow.  Part of me wishes I'd done it last night but It didn't feel right to do it so soon.  It was very special seeing Mandy do it.  I'm so glad I was there!

After the service, we went back to Mandy's to warm up!  I only planned to stay for an hour but come 10 pm we were still talking!!!!  Oops!!  I crawled in at 11 pm, still cold and very tired but so so happy.  Not only had I met up with a very old friend and a kindred spirit but as I said...

... my dream had come true!

My dream night 20th December 2015

Axe Murderer And Other Mental Health Myths!

Many times I considered changing the name of this blog to Axe Murderer And Other Mental Health Myths! The crap I read in the press about Mental Health makes me seeth at times and sadly yesterday more stories came up causing me to blow.

I could post here about how they're all wrong and have my usual rant but what's the point??!  I'm hoping that being honest about being Bipolar has opened friend's eyes so they've started to see things aren't as black and white as they seem.  For example, many friends have said they never imagined I was bipolar because I seem so calm and together!  Hey, you only see the calm and together side of me! lol!  I'm serious! I don't leave the house when I'm hyper or low.  I can lock myself away for months and no one realise.  That's not because I've got bad friends, the opposite is true! I've been very lucky to gather an amazing group of friends who I know are there for me if I ask (and often if I don't!) it just means I've learned to put on the brave face and stiff upper lip and if you see I'm struggling I'm in serious trouble.  

That's what life with poor mental health is like.  You learn to live with it and carry on.  For me, the hardest part of being Bipolar is the paranoia.  I convince myself that people think I'm faking it or I'm lying about my problems so showing I'm struggling makes things worse.  Hence how I've become good at hiding it!

So, when I read in the news that someone has committed a crime because of poor mental health I want to scream!

I know two people with Schizophrenia, one who has been very public and open about it and the other only told me because they knew I knew someone else with it and as I promised I won't reveal who they are to anyone.  In both cases and in 99.99% of other genuine cases I've read about they are no risk to anyone but themselves.  They've both talked to me about how the voices tell them to hurt themselves but never others.  The closest they've ever come to 'hurting' others is when the voices convince them that someone is trying to hurt them or is talking about them in a nasty way and they've cut friendships with that person because they can't cope with the paranoid feelings that come with the friendship.

Yesterday it was announced that Peter Sutcliff was no longer 'ill'.  He had claimed that God had spoken to him and told him to kill prostitutes.  One problem with that, not all his victims were prostitutes!  Now it seems he's been magically cured of Schizophrenia!! (Please, someone give me the number of his doctor! Wonder if he can cure Bipolar too! lol!)  BOLLOCKS!  He was just smart enough to fool people into believing he was ill so he could escape prison and have an easier sentence.

Then last night another case was in the local news and the 'alleged' murderer claims to have heard voices that told her to kill.  There's the simple fact that this isn't what happens to people with Schizophrenia, plus I know someone who was good friends with the 'alleged' and it was the first she'd heard of it!  

It's liars like that who make the rest of us with Mental Health issues look bad.  So to the point of this blog...

... Please take the time to look over the Mind site and see what are the real symptoms of mental health illnesses and next time you see a news story or hear someone claiming to be ill, go back to the site and see how the symptoms check out.  I'm not saying everyone who says they're ill is a liar!  I'm just saying if you take the time to find out what triggers them and what to look out for then maybe one day you'll be able to help someone before they ask for it.

I truly believe we all need to be more aware of poor mental health.  Too often it's swept under the carpet and hidden away because someone is scared of how friends and family would react.  I hid it from everyone, Steve and Teri included, for years because I was scared of being rejected or called a liar.  I still am now!  Every time I type something about being Bipolar I sit and look at it for ages before I post it because I'm scared of how it will be taken.  That will only change if other people's preconceptions change.  So please take the step towards change and check out the site.

Thank you.

PS and as for the 'alleged', justice will be done and Karma will win out.  It has to!

Happy Birthday Molly!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOLLY!!

Molly is 6 today!  I can't believe it's been a year since we celebrated her first birthday with us.  She's changed my life and brought so much joy into it.  I look back at the person I was last year and I'm a different person.  For the last 3.5 weeks, I've had a severe sinus infection.  Last year it would have knocked me out mentally and physically, but this time I've had Molly to keep me company when I'm really bad and she's dragged me out when I've struggled to leave the house.  I don't know what I'd do without her!

It's also thanks to her I'm doing something I've always wanted to do.  I'm going to the Winter Solstice at Stonehenge!  I've wanted to go since I was a kid but something always stood in my way.  Molly has given me the confidence to stand up and do what I want.  So all the barriers have gone.

So here's to a great birthday and many many more together xx

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Molly, the best dog in the world!